Yo dont text me then not text me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
