buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
