I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
