That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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