she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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