my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
