I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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