ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
4 words: hood of his car
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
