he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
