i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
