I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Life is so much better after having sex.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
