I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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