Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
