he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
