Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
