Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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