Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize