Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
