they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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