New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
