Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
