This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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