Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
