She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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