it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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