i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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