I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
