they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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