now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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