just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
