Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
