she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
