Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
