I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
