the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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