I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We don't watch enough power rangers
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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