I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
