my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
