I heard we made out
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Boobs speak an international language.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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