I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i out mim tonsoeep
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