burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
