Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
