ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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