i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
