I must be too annoying 4 u.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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