if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
