How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
two words...techno handjob
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
