billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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