I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
