if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
