***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
