how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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