Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
