garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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