$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
