At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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