I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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