I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
