dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
